I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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