I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
