Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
