i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
