Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize