I think I won the penis lottery.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
