i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I love how my cats smell like pot.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize