Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
