the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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