Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
