This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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