Hey man sorry I got all grabby
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
