Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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