Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
