He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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