dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I think I sprained my soul last night
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
