my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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