i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
