Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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