i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
