So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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