Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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