This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
