i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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