He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
