I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
