He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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