mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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