rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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