Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
