You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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