her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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