I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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