his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
