If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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