I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
