ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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