I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
