Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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