Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Buhtt sex?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
