I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
