Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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