I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
