If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
