I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
