No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
When are your genitals available?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
