I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
