i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Please don't give away my fajitas
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
