Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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