just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
