just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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