Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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