I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
