just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize