In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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