imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Randomize
