youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
