when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
