I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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