I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
