How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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