I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
