Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize